Here I Go Again (edited)

That little pudge under my bellybutton I mentioned at the end of the last post?

It's okay, I'll wait while you go back and refresh your memory.

Done yet?

How about now?

Okay, good...

It may be getting bigger for the next 8 months or so.

We're in shock. Dadblastit, if infertility can't be counted on as birth control, what the heck is it good for?!

One positive test so far*, after AF was supposed to start on April 1 (yes, at first I figured the non-arrival was a sick joke by Mother Nature), OB's office won't do an ultrasound until 8-10 weeks and we're going on a long planned and longer anticipated Caribbean vacation in the next couple of weeks, but will be back before 8 weeks.

So much for the copious alcoholic beverages I was planning to enjoy. And if I remember correctly, it was dead on the start of week 6 with LO when morning sickness hit with a vengeance. Nothing like being on an airplane or at a lovely resort and not being able to enjoy it because everything makes you want to hurl!

And that's assuming that all is going well and there isn't a repeat of last summer's events; nothing like packing for a beach and pool time and having to take up room with an overload of supplies and then if they are needed not feeling comfortable wearing things which expose one's bottom.

Since erasing the knowledge of what could happen isn't exactly possible, I'm working on not getting too excited or worried about it, hoping for the best while anticipating the worst.

But I will be making that OB ultrasound appointment ASAP.  And calling the RE's office to get their input on anything I can do until then to ease my worries!


*I will note that the one test so far had no reluctance in quickly coming up with a nice dark line, unlike last summer when they were light but still visible. So that's giving me some shred of hope. I need to get one of the new-fangled ones which give a positive plus a guesstimate of how many weeks.

EDIT: Did the digital test this morning and it gave a 2-3 week past ovulation time frame, so still assuming all is well. And mentally twiddling my thumbs until Monday when I can make some calls.

Falling Back Into the Abyss

It's stupid, really.  That's what it is.  How a little comment, even one from your own child who knows no better at her young age (related aside: almost 3, really, how can that be?!) can swing you from feeling okay about the lack of additional children to revisiting the land of "why me, why haven't I had it easy when it comes to procreating?"

More correctly, it feels like schadenfreude.  Here I was recently thinking that one is okay, and questioning my ability to properly parent more than one when on many days I have to give myself a time out instead of LO because she already (remember, not yet 3) has figured out how to precisely push my buttons, especially when I am least expecting it.  And, pow, one discussion about her preschool teacher having a baby in her big tummy but mommy does not pushes me right back into the sadness, frustration, anger and hopelessness of infertility.

What bugs me the most is that not having a second child wasn't a choice I made, but one that has been made for me.  Well, I suppose DH and I could have chosen to go through IVF again or attempt adoption, but to be forced to those decisions because my body, or maybe it's DH given some of the slightly questionable SA reports he had, or both of our bodies aren't cooperating the way they should? I'd much rather be the one making the call on whether or not the girls and boys are allowed to party when we make love.

Eh, I'll climb my way back out eventually, I always do, but for now I think I'll wallow a bit longer in the frustration of why two years of unprotected action has resulted in nothing. (Though, I guess I'd rather have nothing than recurrent pregnancy loss over the same two years.  That has to be worse than nothing.)  Maybe when I go for my yearly physical (not with the ob/gyn) I'll ask if the doctor can add FSH to the bloodwork. Inquiring minds and all that.

That said, once LO starts asking why she doesn't have a brother or sister, or worse, starts asking for a brother or sister, I think it's going to hurt even worse.

I'm Trying to Look on The Up Side

So, I tested again, yesterday. With a fresh HPT, and with the same result.

By CD27 there should be a hint of something there, right? Anyway, I'm trying to look at the bright side...

• I can totally take advantage of the multiple bars at the resort we're going to on our upcoming vacation/10 year anniversarymoon.
• I wont have to worry about morning sickness starting while we are on vacation.
  
• The potential due date would have been mid-late December so any issues with holiday overlap have (potentially, given LO's early arrival) been erased.
• We get to keep trying and having fun and enjoying being a family of 3.
  

Speaking of our upcoming vacation, it's time to get back to trying to check things off the frustratingly never-ending to-do list.

As an aside - that list includes not only what to do for LO when my parents are watching her at our house but also a secondary packing list for when the in-laws pick her up for the remainder of the time to be spent at their house. I'm totally resentful that they can't stay at our house instead of disrupting her routine on top of our being away because it's more convenient for them.