Sunday, June 23, 2013

Falling Back Into the Abyss

It's stupid, really.  That's what it is.  How a little comment, even one from your own child who knows no better at her young age (related aside: almost 3, really, how can that be?!) can swing you from feeling okay about the lack of additional children to revisiting the land of "why me, why haven't I had it easy when it comes to procreating?"

More correctly, it feels like schadenfreude.  Here I was recently thinking that one is okay, and questioning my ability to properly parent more than one when on many days I have to give myself a time out instead of LO because she already (remember, not yet 3) has figured out how to precisely push my buttons, especially when I am least expecting it.  And, pow, one discussion about her preschool teacher having a baby in her big tummy but mommy does not pushes me right back into the sadness, frustration, anger and hopelessness of infertility.

What bugs me the most is that not having a second child wasn't a choice I made, but one that has been made for me.  Well, I suppose DH and I could have chosen to go through IVF again or attempt adoption, but to be forced to those decisions because my body, or maybe it's DH given some of the slightly questionable SA reports he had, or both of our bodies aren't cooperating the way they should? I'd much rather be the one making the call on whether or not the girls and boys are allowed to party when we make love.

Eh, I'll climb my way back out eventually, I always do, but for now I think I'll wallow a bit longer in the frustration of why two years of unprotected action has resulted in nothing. (Though, I guess I'd rather have nothing than recurrent pregnancy loss over the same two years.  That has to be worse than nothing.)  Maybe when I go for my yearly physical (not with the ob/gyn) I'll ask if the doctor can add FSH to the bloodwork. Inquiring minds and all that.

That said, once LO starts asking why she doesn't have a brother or sister, or worse, starts asking for a brother or sister, I think it's going to hurt even worse.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, dear, how much I wish this weren't so... Hugs, many, many, hugs, and hopes and wishes for surprises of the most wonderful kind.