Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Where is my Peaceful Easy Feeling?

This post was originally written on Wednesday...

I'm not doing so good today.

About 4:45 this morning I couldn't put off going to the bathroom any longer. Since DH and I had already decided we wanted to test before the Beta tomorrow, I fumbled through a touch-only HPT usage in the dark of the bathroom and went back to bed to get what sleep I could before the alarm went off.

As you may have guessed by the opening sentence, the results were not positive.

The thing is, even without any twinges or other early symptoms, I'd actually let myself hope that it was going to be a success. I'd dropped my guard - thinking about names, how some events next Spring might be affected, and even found myself walking past the infants department at Target yesterday without cringing. Having that hope crushed really hurts.

Now, I'm not discounting the possibility that the test could be in error and the Beta results will come back with beautiful numbers, but I'm not holding out much hope.

(Hearing the song referenced in the title actually made me tear up on my way to work. I had to change stations before I moved into an ugly cry since I'm trying to save that until I get home this evening.)


  1. Can I sit with you for a while and tell you bad jokes?

    I know the pain of getting through all of the IVF hoops only to have that final medal not appear. It's frustrating, depressing and downright unfair.

    I really hope that tomorrow still has some good news for you. But if it doesn't, you will get through this. I know this.

  2. I'm going to hold out hope that the test is stupid, dumb and wrong! Keeping you in my thoughts. And I just hate when a song makes me cry...I lose all control. Hang in there!

  3. I'd totally cry with you and bring you brownies if I could.

    That stupid test could still be wrong. Because it's stupid, and that's what stupid tests do. Is be wrong. And stupid.

  4. sending a hug... BFNs are never easy to take. Hopefully it is just too early to test with urine and a blood test will give you positive results.

  5. I'm still holding out hope. And have many big virtual ((((((HUGS))))) waiting for you either way. Fingers and toes crossed!

  6. I'm sending you a big, huge hug! I'm so sorry :(