What this feels like...

I know I've written in the past how great this online community can be*. Unlimited support, advice, knowledge on every topic, right there at your fingertips.

And I was thinking about writing a post in which I enumerated the range of women (and men, but my part of the blogosphere is dominated by women) I've "met" who inspire me to be like them, make me laugh, and just make my life better for their willingness to share their lives.

And then I happened to think, hey, I haven't looked at Amalah recently. And I have to admit, my heart started to hurt. It didn't know whether to be happy for her, knowing the road they've traveled; or sad for me because my road is starting to look similar to theirs.

I hate feeling like this. I want to be unconditionally happy and excited that another woman is happy to be pregnant, regardless of the effort or methods used to get there. And yet. I feel like this issue is clouding my view of the world. Like that allergy commercial, where everything is slightly fogged until they talk about taking the medication, and then, suddenly it's clear. I also wonder if there is anything that will clear the emotional clouding, or if this is something that will always be a part of me.

I also think it could just be the Clomid (though it doesn't seem to turn me into an evil witch, just more emotional overall). Or that I'm still grieving the original pregnancy plan - you know, the one in which we conceived naturally in the first few months of trying - and haven't moved into the acceptance stage yet. I don't want to be part of this group. I don't want DH to be part of this group. Logically, I know that if we want to have kids we're both going to have to join the group, participate actively, drink the kool-aid**, and not look back. My heart just hasn't gotten there yet.

So for now, I'm going to put on that happy face, and try to not let my sorrow affect my comments, because deep down I am happy and excited for any blogger announcing her pregnancy. I just want to be there with them. And hopefully through the wonders of science I will be, soon.

In that spirit, I'm not going to cut off my nose to spite my face**. If I stopped reading Amalah, or any of the (seeming) multitude of others who are (again) pregnant, I'd only be hurting myself. There's more to these women than the babies growing in their bellies, as I am more than someone having difficulty with fertility.

Just know that if you don't hear from me, it's not because I'm not there, it's because I'm having trouble coming up with something to say that doesn't sound bitter and/or self-pitying. As I've often heard, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."**

So, what's the best joke (dirty or otherwise) you've read / heard recently?



*Ignoring the trolls, ogres, and others who delight in provoking others with undue negativity, etc.
** How many trite sayings can I fit into this post?