Timing

It's everything, isn't it?

It can make the difference between being in or passing an accident scene on the highway, or less seriously, getting an online deal or not.

And how does something which has no tangible substance have so much bearing on our lives?

Anyway, that bit of philosophy aside, and without getting into too much detail (though who am I to shrink from TMI?), this month rather than placing a barrier between gametes like nuns at a Catholic school dance, we let them free to dirty dance at will.

My period should conveniently start and end before we leave for our trip. Or not. How's that for timing before we head to an all-inclusive resort?

Questionable Cycles - The Results

For those playing along at home, I managed to use up one of the remaining HPT's this AM.

So negative there wasn't even an evaporation line along the positive indicator.

(I did dream on Sunday night/Monday morning that the test would be negative. After the dreams I had that Little One would arrive early and this dream, I'm starting to wonder...)

At the same time there was some light pink discharge which has yet to expand into darker territory.

WTF body, wtf?

I have to admit that despite all of the potential negatives to a positive, I'm disappointed. And frustrated.

And, less importantly but still true, annoyed because now I can't explain the last couple of pounds I've mysteriously put back on as anything but poor food and exercise choices.

I guess DH and I should talk about this tonight.

Questionable Cycles (Updated)

Since I don't wish to share this with the wider world, lets just keep this between us (online) friends, okay?

When my period returned after Little One self-weaned, my first few cycles were spot on (no pun intended) 28 days. Last Monday was day #28. I don't like myself on BCP, so DH and I have been consistently using condoms for every episode of (ahem) relations, none of which have appeared to fail at any time. (Do I really need to say that DH is the only one I've been with?)

So, the question is, do I POAS Monday AM since I'm going on a week overdue, or do I keep waiting it out? Edit: Make that Tuesday since Little One woke up early while DH was still in the bathroom. Does it make me a bad wife for not discussing this with him, or practical for not making it an issue until it needs to be?

Whether the results are positive or negative there are plenty of reasons to freak out. I mean really, after all the trouble we went through to conceive Little One how ironic would it be to be in the small % of those who use condoms correctly and still get pregnant? And DH really isn't up to having a 2nd child right now*. On the other hand, negative could mean that my body is starting down the road to cessation of reproductive ability so ... that would just plain suck.

It's not like I'd be going out to buy some new since I still have two left from a three pack (the first was Little One's positive), and they do expire in October. Throwing them away with pee on them isn't much different from tossing them unused, right? Right?

Oh Lordy. I never thought that the possibility could be so stressful.


*We are to re-discuss in December/January. Insert a tome of various concerns and worries in this spot. Gah.

More Thoughts About 'It'

Heads up to any male/squeamish readers...TMI on the bodily functions may follow.


So, if the past two cycles are any indication, Auntie Flo is due for a visit on Wednesday. And all signs point towards that regularity continuing: Bloating? check. Emotions close to the surface? check. Craving sugars and carbs? check.

DH and I discussed the possibility of going for #2 a couple weekends ago. The conclusion is that if we decide an addition to the family is welcome, we're not going to return to the infertility chase.

Despite my being the one physically going through all the treatments, it was harder on DH emotionally than I realized. Not because he was being my rock, which he totally was, but because of the way his part was so much on the periphery. As he described it a while back, he started to feel like a trained monkey whose participation was required on demand. And when you feel that way about one thing, you start to wonder if it's true about other things...a recipe for relationship issues if there ever was one!

I still feel like our family isn't complete, and would like to try for another, but I think I'm okay if it doesn't happen. Only time can prove whether that feeling is correct or not*. DH isn't quite so positive that we aren't done. On top of that, there are some things which may come to fruition in the next six months or so which would be made more difficult if I were pregnant the time.

So for now, the plan is to revisit the discussion in December/January. And until then we're going to keep using the condoms as much as DH and I both dislike them because there is no way that I want to go back on birth control and potentially screw up my system (again) unless we're 99.9% sure that we are done.



*With the trigger for advanced-maternal-age rapidly approaching (T-2 months and counting), and I'm pretty sure extra watching of subsequent pregnancies thanks to Little One's premature birth (regardless of my age) I'm a bit more impatient in actuality than I make it sound here. But as so many advice columnists like to point out: when it comes to potential pregnancies, the no-sayer rules.

And the results are in. Or why didn't you wait to tell me this until the other test results are also in?

Warning: Continuation of "Keep your fingers crossed." post. You know the drill...


So, the procedure went well. Or, it didn't go as badly as it could have. Turns out that my cervix was having no part of having something the size of angel hair pasta shoved through it. So I got to endure not only the speculum, but other medical equipment inserted into my female bits to stretch it out enough to be able perform the procedure. And that hurt more than the actual biopsy!

And since I'm not good with pain, I'm very proud of myself that I did not faint or vomit or do anything else to embarrass myself. I did come thisclose to fainting, but was able to hold it together long enough for the doc to do his thing. I have to say the doc and his nurse did everything they could to minimize my discomfort, and were very careful to not let me get up too quickly after the procedure.

And since I had to have some blood taken for the hormone test, the lab tech came down and did it in the exam room instead of making me walk upstairs while I might still be wobbly.
(The doctor's office is in a building like a 1970's 2-story colonial house with some nooks, crannies, and generally strange layout. I'd love to walk around sometime and check everything out.)

In the end I'm very glad I decided to take off the rest of the day and had DH arrange his schedule to be able to take me to the doctor's office and then home. Knowing he was in the waiting room also helped. After a quick stop for a McDonald's cheeseburger, I laid on the couch and took it very easy as things were a bit sore for the rest of the evening.

I decided as I was breathing in-and-out through the various parts of the procedure that Lamaze classes and an epidural will be my friends.

All of this to say I got a phone call this AM saying that my hormone levels were low but that it's treatable, and that the doc wants to discuss it in further detail once the results of the biopsy are in, probably the beginning of next week. Sigh.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Warning...reproductive stuff discussed below!



I'm having an endometrial biopsy done this afternoon to see if my uterine lining is at the right thickness for this stage of my cycle. Also, another HSG test to confirm those hormone levels are where they should be. There is no indication that there are any problems.

All this is busy work to make sure there's nothing wrong with me before our meeting with the reproductive endocrinologist in May. Since we have to wait so long just to talk to the guy, we want to make sure there is nothing wrong with me BEFORE we meet with him. From there it will hopefully be full-steam ahead with IUI or whatever course of action we need to take to make this happen.

But still, please cross your fingers that there's nothing wrong on my side too!

(and yes, I did pee on a stick this AM, just in case! no luck.)

In which I prove I am old and crotchety...

I'll come out and admit it: I LOATHE American Idol.

I dislike the singing, the personalities, everything about it.

But what I hate most of all: that you can't avoid it because EVERY freaking news program from local to national feels the need to do a morning recap. I don't give a flying flatootie about the show, and I can still tell you what went on because of all the ambient coverage. Coverage that takes time away from real stories/weather/sports/traffic, stuff news shows should be covering.

It's almost enough to make me stop watching any network tv and just leave the channel on one of the movie channels.

Speaking of which...here's another thing that bugs me: we have digital cable. Have to to get the extended channel line up, and multiple HBO / Starz channel packages. The cable company recently "improved" their OnDemand menus (where you can select movies or tv programs to watch - it's like having your own private HBO channel so you could start/stop movies at any time). Except that "improved" isn't the word. Before the change, when you went to the menu channel, you would get a choice of options: OnDemand (pay), HBO, Starz, Cinemax, etc. and then could select which brand you wanted to look through; once you went through the one line-up you could switch back to the main menu and go to the next brand with only the push of a couple buttons on the remote. Now, you have to go to a separate menu channel for each brand. Sure it takes you directly to that menu, but you spend more time flipping from one channel to the other to look at all your options. Maybe this is petty, but I thought the system was pretty good before and didn't need fixing. Now it seems broken, like technology has gone backwards.

So that's it. Down withAmerican Idol and desk jockeys who make improvements to things that weren't broken.

********
So my hopes for this last round of Clomid were dashed this weekend. Today I start the next round. Maybe we'll get lucky before that doctor's appointment in May...stranger things have happened, right?

And the results are in...

(For those who are trying to avoid such things, below is a discussion about our ongoing issues with fertility. Why don't you check in later when I've got a new post up about something more fluffy, OK?)

And it's not what we (I) were (was) hoping for.

The good news is, it's not the worst it could be, which is what DH is holding onto because he was very afraid that he was sterile. So he's happy, or happier, with the results and looking on to the positives of what we can do with what we've got.

I'm the one who fell apart and am still feeling upset about what this means. The preliminary report indicates that I'm probably going to need intrauterine insemination (AKA: artificial insemination). So much for just making love on the magic day and having things happen naturally (which could still be possible, but not probable). Logically I know that the end result is more important than the process, but I have yet to fully accept that in my heart.

There seems to be so much more that can be done to help with the female side of infertility, but basically if the sperm are screwed up then there's not much that can be done as it is usually DNA based. I really was hoping that his results would come back with glowing attributes.

And the real kicker, we can't get an appointment with the Renal Endocrinologist until MAY! So, that really sucks. They've been really kind, but I'm still feeling like the joke's on us: "Guess what? You have issues, but you can't even talk to the doc about your options for 5 months. Deal with it." I've requested to be put on the cancellation list, but there are no guarantees if we will be able to move forward any quicker.

There are still a couple of tests that can be performed on me between now and then, so that we don't waste time later, so that's encouraging, to at least feel like some forward progression can be made along the wait. But for those to be performed, I have to have started the next cycle, so that would kill all hope that this cycle of Clomid (or generic) was successful. Still a couple more days though to determine that, at least based on the timing from the first cycle. I'd love to call the OBGYN's office and say, hey we need to cancel... but I don't think it's going to happen. It would be wonderful to be proven wrong though.

So that's where we are. And now I'm going to cross my fingers, think happy thoughts, and keep on charting my temps. Because if we don't have to do this "special" I really would prefer not to.

Round 2...

(upfront warning...reproductive issues discussed ahead...and some emotional rambling too! But if you skip to the last line you'll find out what my big gift to DH is...)

So, today starts Clomid round 2. And it seems that everyone but us is having no trouble at all with getting pregnant (Jamie Lynn Spears, I'm looking at you) or is already pregnant. My best friend from High School's Christmas card said she was due the beginning of May, one of DH's ski-patrol co-workers wife is recently pregnant. My MIL and I are throwing a shower for the twin-carrying wife of one of DH's cousins on Saturday.

(and yes, I'm aware that this is a very gross generalization and that I don't know that it's been a snap for everyone else, but I'm talking feelings here, not logic)

For some reason this is hitting me really hard today. Maybe it's because Frema just had her adorable little (big, really, really, big) girl, and the original plan was to get pregnant around the time she did last spring, so the timing on that is gone. Maybe because this is the first thing in my life that hasn't been mostly easy for me, or over which I have so little control. (I've been very lucky, what can I say?)

And I really really hate that I'm feeling this way before Christmas, when things are supposed to be happy and gay. I know this feeling will pass, but I'm wallowing a little bit before I let it go.

DH is calling today to make the appointment to have his swimmers checked, but with the holidays it probably won't be until after I (hopefully) ovulate on this round of Clomid. I really hope it's not him; this process is hard on him too, and being part of the problem is one more burden I don't want him to have to bear.

But I did get DH something* for Christmas to hopefully make the process a little more fun. Shhh, don't tell!

*This page may not be appropriate for work...just a warning.

You Get What You Ask For...

So, here is our tree and our family room in all it's messy & half-finished project glory.

Before:

And after:
I want to draw particular attention to the klassy white trash bag under the tree. Only the best ghetto style for us! The tree stand is too big for a normal, cute skirt, so I've got the makings for a custom skirt, just haven't sat down at the sewing machine yet to take care of it.

~~~~~~

Today I went up to Richmond, Short Pump Mall to be precise, and decided that the 7th circle of hell is alive and well on Broad Street in that area. Maybe it was because it's the last real weekend before Christmas, but everybody (and their brother's and sisters, too) seemed to be out there. It made me really glad I don't have to deal with traffic like that every day! The worst part is that I only really found anything in one store! So it feels like I wasted some time and gas.

~~~~~~

Those of you who are uninterested in our ongoing efforts at procreation can stop reading now...






That time of the month - 1, Clomid - 0 ... So, on to Clomid Round #2 next week and DH will be making the appointment to have his swimmers checked out. Hopefully all will be well with them, and this round will be successful. I have to admit I'm disappointed, I was deep-down hoping to be able to give our parents good news (though they don't know we are trying and have been 99% good about not pressing for grandchildren) as a Christmas surprise. On a lighter note, I guess this means that I need to start watching what I eat again, with having the excuse of a possible "eating for two" invalid at this time.

Office Visit Report

(thanks everyone for the crossed fingers...we'll have to see what the next couple of weeks brings)

This was the first time I have met with anyone at my OB/GYN office other than the Nurse Practitioner I've been seeing since we moved down here. I've really liked her, but I was still a little nervous that the Doctors in the practice wouldn't be as nice, that I wouldn't feel like they cared. Add that to my running late this AM, and my pulse was racing when I got to the office (still good blood pressure though at 104/60 or something like that).

After waiting for what felt like forever, but was perhaps only 10 minutes (one of the disadvantages to using a cell phone as a watch substitute is having to turn it off when in a doctor's office), the doctor stuck his head into the exam room and said, "oh good, you're dressed" and took me into his office. This office building is like an old house, so it has some nooks and crannies, and has fun things like a fireplace in his office, which makes for a very warm feeling vs. being cold and utilitarian.

We talked a little bit about my history, what's been going on, my age, that I've been charting my temps (but neglected to bring actual charts, though I had all the data!) and jumped directly to a prescription for Clomid (or generic) for me and a prescription for semen testing for my husband. (this is where I turn into a 12 year old and giggle about what he's going to have to do for that procedure) As the doc said, there's no point in pumping medicines into me for months if DH also has issues, it's better to find out upfront. He clearly didn't want to give me any false hope about what my body is doing at this time, but also didn't want to say that it couldn't happen.

So, if my body was just fooling with me and I didn't ovulate, or if our relations had no effect for other reasons, and I have a period, I'll start the Clomid (50mg) cycle, and DH will go do what he needs to do. But my fingers will still be crossed for the next couple of weeks. I feel hopeful, but it also feels good to have a plan, that I'm no longer going to be passively waiting for the stars to align and my body to miraculously start cooperating.

And much like I had to let the idea go that I was going to be pregnant at 28, I'm starting to let the idea go that it was going to be easy for me to get pregnant. Life just doesn't always meet our expectations, does it?

[This is where I note that I'm going to try very hard not to write about this again until I have some conclusive results to report. And now back to our previously scheduled blathering about fun stuff.]

Changes...

Anything to get the post about my frustration with politics off the top of my blog.

DH and BIL are off picking up Chinese food for dinner. Friday for lunch I met a couple of DH's coworkers for Thai. That makes more Asian than I've had for months and months. Something to do with stomach(e! just for Lil' Frema) issues after the last time I picked up Chinese at one of the little take-out mostly places around here.

So if I cut off mid-sentence, they have returned from hunting and gathering.

It's just been a boring Saturday. I'm leading the discussion for book group on Monday and I'm really procrastinating reading the book. It's about Aaron Burr and his life. In addition to the facts about his life, there's a bunch of other stuff which is relevant, it's just tedious to get through. Reminds me of college, when you HAVE to read a book and understand it even when you don't care. IF I wasn't leading the discussion, it would be a much easier book to read because I could skim it more efficiently. I'm one of THOSE readers, who can usually read books really quickly. Example, I finished the latest Janet Evanovitch Stephanie Plum novel in 2 hours or so. But I'm much slower with textbooks and history books where there is so much information to digest.

In other news...

...an update on my ongoing fertility issues, so just stop reading if you're not interested...









I had what looked like a positive OPK Friday morning, so that, along with increased mucus earlier this week, and a slight increase in temp., lead to some planned relations. Fingers crossed, yes. Of course, I had called Weds./Thurs. to make an appointment with my OB/GYN's office because OPK and temp hadn't changed for a month or more. Doesn't it always happen like that?

I just flew in from VA and man are my arms tired!

Ok, So I haven't left yet. But. I'm in a funk and was trying to amuse myself.

Blame it on the constant news coverage of the California wildfires, or the rain and gloom (I love the rain, we need the rain, but it's bringing me down, man), or that we found out this week that DH's cousin's wife is 3 months pregnant with twins.

It sucks to be happy for someone, but still mad and sad and unhappy for yourself at the same time.

On a lighter note: DH was playing with my nose (pushing it from side to side, down, yes, we are three), and pushed it up from beneath. I said "Oink" which made him bust out into laughter. Apparently he was expecting me to fuss at him for playing with my nose. Yeah. So the word of the week in our household is now "Oink."

I really gotta pack now. K, bye, have a good weekend and I'll see you next week. Promise.

One Strange Thing - Edited

The top sheet for our guest bed has disappeared. After our last guest, I stripped the bed, washed, folded and then put the sheets in the guest room, but did not make the bed (the door stays shut against the animals except when we have guests). Last night when I went to make the bed, the top sheet wasn't there. I've looked in our linen closets, the place where I leave items until they can be mended, the laundry room - and it's not anywhere!

Our guest room is one of the most finished rooms in our home, but I only have one set of sheets for the bed. This means that at lunch I'm going to Steinmart and Marshall's (conveniently located next to each other) to buy a new set of sheets. Happy thought: maybe I can find some with a pattern which matches the colors in the guest room: muted UVa blue and orange, and white. (actually my idea, not my husbands, though he's the Virginia grad...this room was going to be the nursery, but I'm so happy with it, I think I'm going to turn the other spare room into the nursery when it is needed....but I digress)

Of course, the chances are pretty good that as soon as I've washed the new sheets and go to put them on the bed, the original top sheet will reappear.

EDIT: I did find some sheets at Marshall's which were exactly what I wanted: a variety of white, blue and orange stripes which complement the bedspread, and are a little more masculine than the eyelet trimmed sheets I've been using.

Of course, when I got home I found the top sheet where I had carefully placed it under the pillows on the bedside table. Oh well. Blame it on a short attention span and trying to do things too late at night.

So the eyelet trimmed sheets went on the bed, and I am waiting to wash the striped sheets with my whites load. But the striped sheets will go on the bed for our next guests, and will look wonderful!


Warning: Change in Topic Below (for those who do not care to read about my reproductive issues)












I'm having a real honest to God with cramps period, not the heavy spotting without cramps of the last few episodes. I've been tracking my Basal temp, but no clue if I ovulated or not. Have to be honest though, I have not missed cramps or the mess. Gotta keep telling myself that it's worth it, and hopefully another step towards getting my system back to normal.

Our Weekend - in Bullet Points

It was a good weekend, but not one I am aglow over, thus the summary of events:

• We went to my hometown and home of my husband's college Alma Mater for our first football game of the year (we have season tickets but were unable to attend the first two home games). There were some great people seated around us, who cheered the team and booed the refs, and enjoyed the game. And then there were these two guys, the kind who take credit for every play personally and taunt the other team and their fans. I really wanted to crack their heads together and tell them to chill out. But I refrained. Our team basically won the game in the first 9 minutes of the first half, and then surprisingly managed to hold on to their lead (despite some truly awful plays) for the rest of the game.
  
• DH purchased a new pair of ski boots. He hasn't gotten a new pair since before we started dating, so this was long overdue. The good thing is that they were last years (or the year before, not sure which) model, so they only cost about a third of the list price for this years model. He will also be getting new skis, but hasn't ordered them yet.
  
• DH also purchased a gadget to allow him to use his MP3 player in his car. Apparently the multiple channel options on XM are not enough for him. Tease. He hasn't used his MP3 player at all, and has wanted to, so if this works, I'm ok with it. This could be considered a late birthday present for him. (he does not have a iPod, so finding this gadget took visiting a special store)
  
• We had lunch at Cheeseburger in Paradise. I wasn't disappointed because I wasn't expecting anything, but service was S-L-O-W. Much slower than I would have anticipated based on how very empty the restaurant appeared. And maybe time slowed down for me because I was so hungry that my hands were shaking. My burger was good but not phenomenal (I only eat burgers once in a blue moon) and DH's meal upset his stomach (but that could just be him). The one interesting thing, the fries had the normal salt and pepper but also seemed to have something sweet on them just enough for me to notice, but not overwhelming. I might go back for the fries.
• We spent the night with my parents, who also dog sat for us while we were at the game. They only have twin beds (except for theirs), which cause problems because they are too short and hard for my husband and now too narrow for me. I feel like I'm going to fall off in the middle of the night, and really hate that the whole bed moves when I turn over. Spoiled by our home mattress much, are we?
• Sunday morning, we celebrated my birthday (early) with my parents. They did good - most everything was from my list, except for a pack of personalized note cards with a light sage green border and ink for the monogram and return address on the envelopes. Very cool - can you tell I like sage green? DH and I will celebrate on the actual day - he's playing in our neighbor's golf tournament and I'm planning to do nothing more strenuous than read a book or three. I already have my present from DH arrived in August - the dearly beloved Dell Laptop!
  
• Lunch with the parents at Panera and then back home in time to put together a dish and relax a little bit before a neighborhood pot-luck. Our neighborhood has a very divided age profile, with only a few scattered between: retired with grown kids, or 30's+ with young kids. We are the only younger couple (may be the youngest) without kids. I have a hard time socializing, I don't feel like I fit in with the other young couples, but I don't have as much in common with the older women either, though I know more of them from participating in Book Club and Bunco.
• We found out that DH's cousin's wife is pregnant. She's one of the DIL's of the man for whom the party with the belly dancer was held. And at the time I had wondered if she might be pregnant because she didn't have an alcoholic drink, which I hadn't seen her do without at any prior parties (not like she was a lush, just that she would have a drink or two). But I hadn't asked her...so there we are. Of DH's generation on that side of his family we are the last (long married - another cousin was married this weekend) couple to not have kids. DH was cute, he led into telling me by saying something like "I don't know how to tell you this..." to which I replied "Who's pregnant?"
  

So that's what we did. Now I'm going to send telepathic messages to my reproductive system to get it's stuff together, I'm tired of waiting!

Area 51?!?!

Ok, this has nothing to do with aliens, and everything to do with this being my 51st post.

Go me!

So, vacation went well. I was able to relax and be lazy enough to go through about 45lbs of the 50lbs of books I picked up at the library before we left. We enjoyed dinner at Mako Mike's and caught a mild/moderately bad case of sunburn each. The weather was beautiful and the in-laws left Tuesday so we had a few days alone to just hang out together. And my DH shot an 88 at the country club golf course after not having picked up his clubs since Memorial Day weekend! That's really incredible and I am so proud of him! I went along as cart candy - just there to look pretty and cheer him (and my in-laws) on.

The only thing to mar the time we spent away was ... my screwed up body. Thank goodness I had the foresight to pack some supplies, but I didn't really think I was going to need them until the end of the week. This is not a good trend: 4 weeks, 2 weeks, 1 week ... and yet the past few times have been relatively pain and other symptom free and only lasting a couple days each. But, on our vacation it spelled the end of my anticipated multiple romantic evenings, swimsuit wearing, etc.


In other, more uplifting news, tonight is the first meeting of the neighborhood Book Club for this year (Sept-June). Somehow I got suckered into leading the group when the last person stepped down a couple years ago. I know I'm going to be exhausted by the time this night is over. Being in front of a group and keeping everything orderly is really stressful for me. But it's not all bad - I've met a group of women (men are welcome, but don't seem to be interested) with some amazing life stories.

If anyone is interested in the books we are reading leave a note in the comments or send me an email (in my profile, over there, to the right). The books have been a great mix every year I have been with the group.

And thanks gals for all of your supportive comments on my "Just wanted to share..." post. It was really nice to come home to those.

Just wanted to share...

So two weeks (approx 14 days) after the two days of light bleeding, I had another two days of light bleeding this weekend. But no breast tenderness, or cramping or anything else.

Since I'm not really sure what's going on, I called my OB-GYN's office to check in. The triage nurse says to me, well it could be ovulation bleeding (based on the timing and no associated twinges). And DH and I had participated in the marital relations the night after all this happened. So, ovulation bleeding + unprotected sex = good possibilities.

But I'm trying not to get my hopes up because, well, there are no guarantees about what my body was doing. And as of this A.M. I am going to be tracking my basal temperature. At least doing that makes me feel like I have some participation on what my body is doing.

Like I said to DH last night when telling him about the phone call, it's not like I can go in and flip a switch to make my body work properly. I wish it was that easy. And at this point I don't really meet the requirements to go to the next step. At this point it really is a wait and see type situation.

It's both exciting and frustrating. But any progress is a step in the right direction, right?

What do you suggest? (Edited)

I need your help (again). I know that some of you out there are pregnant, actively trying, or already have kids; or have friends to whom those categories apply.

My cycle has returned in what I would consider a reasonable number of days which gives me hope that this will be an ongoing thing which means that I can unlock that little bit of hope that one day I too will be a mother. I hope that isn't too much information, but one reason I started this blog is to have an outlet besides my husband to express my fears and seek reassurances that my body isn't totally and completely messed up from too many years of Depo-Provera.

Edit: This may have been a false alarm. When I wrote this post I had seen blood, and apparently that was the only amount that came out that day. The following day, the same or a little less came out, and today nothing. What I'm thinking - either this is implantation spotting (we are all entitled to our delusions) or the precursor to the worst period ever. Or it was just my body going ha,ha look what I can do. In the best case scenario I'm guessing I need to wait a few days for hormones to start to circulate before POAS might be anything but negative. What ever it is, the only thing I thing I can do is wait. And that is frustrating. Now, back to the original post.

I have avoided thinking about the possibilty of baby(ies) for years because I am apparently superstitious and believe that thinking about things before I am ready (or the stars are in the perfect alignment) will jinx them.

I also have a horror of being the girl (woman?) who only talks babies, even years before she has a boyfriend or husband or even a sperm donor. I know I'm past that age, but it's really stuck with me how uncomfortable those women made me feel.

So where am I going with this? It appears that in my eagerness to avoid the topic, I have also missed out on what books are helpful in starting to try to conceive. Ones that cover timing, diet, whatever other factors which need to be considered that I don't even know about. And which ones aren't worth my time, even for a giggle.

And that's where you come in. Please point me in the right direction so that I can order them online and someone I know in person won't see me wandering in the pregnancy sections of the local bookstores. Our families know too many people in this area and my DH and I feel that our decision that we are now ready to have children is no one elses business.

Once I get pregnant then we will tell our families and they can start to shower us with clothes and toys and furniture to their hearts content (I'm being serious, I know that I'm not going to have to buy baby/kids clothes for years because my MIL will buy everything above and beyond what we might need, she's just like that and I love her for it).

If for some reason we find out that we will need help to get pregnant, since my mother had trouble conceiving she has offered (one day, out of the blue) to help out with the costs of AI if we need to go that route.

So, what are your suggestions? The good, the bad, and the too funny? I thank you, my husband thanks you, and our yet-to-be-conceived child(ren) thank(s) you.

Ms. Cranky Pants

That's me.

I'm grumpy and cranky and want to bite everyone's head's off and growl at them to leave me alone, or snap at them just to make myself feel better if they insist on sticking around.

Could this be the start of PMS? Or am I just sleep deprived?

Because right now, it's all about me, me, me!

And honestly, I don't like feeling like a Vogon has taken up residence in my brain.

Any suggestions?

I'm Not Going to BlogHer...And That's Ok

Despite the new button to the side, I am mostly ok with not going to BlogHer. Of course I'd love to meet Frema in the flesh and some of my other regular reads who will be in attendance. But I am very much anticipating seeing updated posts with pictures over the weekend from those who are there.


As I commented on Isabel's blog, my husband doesn't know how much this community has started to mean to me. (Heck, I don't think I've mentioned that I started a blog to him.) I hope that you don't care what I look like, if I'm having a bad hair month or six, if I've got cat and dog hair all over my clothes (insert other negative attributes here); as long you enjoy my writing, which I do try like hell to keep true to myself.


So maybe everyone doesn't care about my dog destroying things or that I'm struggling with even the appearance of fertility, and that's ok. My life isn't yours, and vice versa. This community has provided the opportunity to connect with other people to say hey this world isn't so big and bad after all. Maybe I'm not the only one out here who's felt this way.


Now where am I going with this and how the hell am I going to wrap it up? I guess the point is that I don't need to go to BlogHer to confirm that I am a blogger, and that I am part of the community. And if you think there might be a little sour grapes in there, then you just might be right.