Steamwhistle

I need to vent...

We were supposed to go with DH to Wintergreen since he was working the Tough Mudder this weekend (providing medical care), only Little One popped a 101+ fever on Thursday so she and I ended up staying here instead, and I so so so look forward to the weekends to get some break since DH hardly sees her during the week thanks to his work schedule, but I know after this weekend, when he gets home he's going to be too tired to really do much (which means I feel bad asking him) which means of course that Monday comes without any sort of a break for me (of course had we gone with I wouldn't have gotten a break either, but that's beside the point).

Pout.

I know lots of people have it worse, but I'm really feeling the constant care (plus transition to 1 nap which is running closer to just an hour than I would prefer and doesn't start until between 10 and 11 usually so I'm in my night clothes until I can take a shower) is affecting me negatively - shorter fuse, more yelling, less effort.

Plus, it's sure not helping that Little One screams (in the key of bloody murder for anywhere from 5-20 minutes) herself to sleep every time I put her down for a nap, for the night, or even if she wakes up in the middle of the night which makes me feel like the worst Mom ever for not being able to get her to sleep either quietly or with a minimum of fuss. I'm glad she doesn't need me to be there to help her to sleep, I just wish she would be more quiet about it, or at least not sound like she's in physical pain.

Phew. Back to toddler supervision it is!

Musings on Clutter (Updated)

In the fridge - expired medications from the last IVF cycle (2009).

In the freezer - bags of breastmilk, also expired.

In the pantry/trash - cans of soup. (Potato cheese broccoli from 2010 anyone?)

In my mind - residual sadness we didn't have an oops, residual tiredness thanks to a rude 4:45 awakening Sunday AM, the hope that my actual birthday* brings a SD(+?) card for my new camera & frustration that digital cameras don't include very much memory thus requiring removable memory so I can't play around with it too much just yet.

In the rest of my house - piles of papers on almost every flat surface to deal with "later", placed out of the way of Little One's sticky little fingers, with "later" never seeming to arrive. Or when "later" does finally arrive they are replaced as quickly as the prior ones departed.

It's a rainy yukky day and if Little One didn't have music class we wouldn't be leaving the house. When we return, I will find the energy to make cookies. Homemade cookies always make a day better! As do lap snuggles from the more anti-social of our two kitties.

And yet one more thing: Turns out one of the other moms in our music class went to the same college, in the same department, was only a year ahead of me, and her third is the same age as Little One. That stupid residual jealousy still crops up and bites me when I least expect it!


*One that feels bigger to me than some, as those ending in 5 or 0 can.

Cough, Hack, Snort, Sneeze, Wheeze

Those are the noises I've been making for the past few days.

Yes, gentle readers, I have been unlucky enough to find myself in possession of a full-grown cold. I suspect it was shared with me by my bosses wife. Though, I guess I should be lucky to be the last in line to come down with something - boss had bronchitis, bosses wife had cold that moved into bronchitis, and my co-worker (who I don't see much as he mostly works in outside the office) is also suffering from some sort of respiratory illness requiring medical intervention.

We're a fun group to be around!

(I'm just glad and knocking on wood 'til my knuckles are raw that I haven't been struck by the stomach flu that's going around the area. I need to throw up more like I need, well, you get the picture.)

Hope all of you are managing to stay well and healthy out there!

IVF#2 - Low Level Activity Is Boring

Final word tomorrow but looks like we'll end up with possibly two embryos to freeze. Not sure what happened to #3 but I'm guessing since we didn't get a grade on Sunday, it just wasn't up to much.

For those who've never had to lay around and do not much all day, it sounds a thousand times more glamorous than it really is. Daytime TV is abysmal, and there's only so many books and internet time my brain can handle. There's also a bit of stiffness thanks to not moving around so much.

I guess if I were crafty I could have spent some time knitting or whatever other hand crafts can be done from a prone position, but that's not really me. Also am not a daytime nap person, so there's been some whining from this direction about pretty much everything...bored, nothing to eat appeals, blah, blah, blah.

Back to work tomorrow, with a 8AM meet-up with my coworker at the local Ford dealer to drop off his work truck for state inspection. I'm sure my enthusiasm for getting back to work will be short lived, but for at least one day I'm really looking forward to getting back.

If the sun isn't out, neither is my smile.

I had one of those mornings.

The cat (who is now back on Prozac) started to meow BEFORE the alarm went off. Once he quieted down after a good ten minutes of loud one-sided conversation, I had long enough to turn over, snuggle back into my pillow, and very briefly drop back into the dream he had interrupted before the alarm sounded.

I have never wanted to bitch-slap the alarm more than I did this morning.

It doesn't help that it's overcast this morning. Not having the sun to help trigger the switch in my brain from sleep to wake really makes a difference.

Excuse me while I go find a vat of caffeine into which to stick my head.

****

I used to be a morning person. Even on vacation, I'd wake up without an alarm at 7 or 7:30 and not be able to go back to sleep. It kinda sucked. Now I'm an evil grumpus if you dare interfere with my morning routine (that includes talking to me), and I find I miss the energy I used to have. I'm guessing it's just another reason I should sit my (growing) ass on the elliptical machine instead of the couch when I get home from work. Maybe if I keep adding to the list I'll get motivated again.

(Also need to add to the list the exceptionally cute Lily Pulitzer bikini I saw at Marshall's yesterday while replacement-purse hunting. Despite the cost ($50) being about twice what I like to pay for a bathing suit, if I had been confident in my body being bikini ready I would have snapped it up.)

Rain Rain Go Away!

Confession: I'm ready for sun and warm weather.

I know, I know, I was all about SNOW! and was lamenting the lack thereof.

Now I'm over it.

Grey clouds and days in the forties no longer excite me.

Just the opposite.

By the time I got to work this morning all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep.

(In a slightly related vein, does anyone know how to transfer the desire to exercise that comes after looking in the full length mirror while I am dressing in the morning to the evening after I get home from work?)

Eyes At Half Mast

One of the things my MIL teases me about is how much my eyes reflect my level of alertness.

When I'm tired or sleepy, I find it hard to keep my eyes open more than half-way.

Usually this doesn't happen until later in the evening.

Today - they have yet to fully open.

Even my daily morning Mountain Dew hasn't been able to spring them open wide.

I'm thinking it may take a Starbuck's run to do the trick, if I can muster the energy.*




*(one of the ironies of life is that when I need the jolt the most, I don't have the energy to go get it)

Questions...

Is anyone else as bored by this infertility/pregnancy focus as I am? Because to me it feels like it's been going on forever (And ever. Amen.) with no forward progress. *

I wish I could flip a switch and turn off the mean voice in my head that says things like: "You're not getting any younger, why did you wait so long to start trying?" "Are you sure you timed everything properly?" "(Day 32) You're pregnant. (Day 33/1) Just kidding!" "Why didn't you do more research on the Depo?" "It's never going to happen."

I'd even like to silence the more hopeful one that sneaks in little thoughts like: "You could be." "Maybe this will be the month." (there aren't so many of these, and they are quickly silenced by the mean voice)

It would help to have something else to focus on, I hope.

So, do you have any questions I could answer for you? About me, or anything on which you happen to desire an answer (though I must admit the realm of nuclear physics is a bit beyond my grasp). I can be your very own personal Magic Eight Ball. But better.





*And by forward progress I mean either pregnancy or some plan of action that actually includes action and not just waiting to see if things happen naturally now that I appear to be ovulating on my own again.

Whining and Banality

I'm in a cranky mood, have been most of the week, so here's a bullet list of highlights:
(You can't say you haven't been warned.)
(edited to put in the bullet marks which show up in compose but not on the actual post. Sigh.)

+In response to a known telemarketers insincere question of "How are you today?" on Monday morning: "I'm in a bad mood and I don't have time to talk to you. Call back later."

+This was after stressing myself out because I was afraid we had missed the window for doctor-approved sex before our post-coital appointment.

+DH has taken the week off between the last day of his prior job and the first day of his new job.

+Even though he is at home all day, he still expects me to make dinner.

+I keep sleeping through the alarm. Darn those dreams.

+We got our recovered couch back yesterday.

+The cushions are rock hard. Not the enveloping comfort we expected after paying for new foam.

+But the fabric looks really good in our family room.

+After the appointment on Monday, DH and I test drove Mini Coopers.

+DH is contemplating getting one as a commuting car.

+Something about gas prices going up and his current Tahoe only getting 16 mpg.

+He would keep the Tahoe for longer trips where comfort is important.

+On our way home we got a call from my MIL - DH's cousin's identical twin daughters came 2 days prior to the scheduled c-section.

+I'm not fond of the names DH's cousin and wife picked out.

+But as DH pointed out, they aren't my kids to name.

+DH bought the plane tickets and arranged a rental car for my cousin's wedding in May.

+The couple getting married in May has the same first names as the couple who just had the twins. It gets a little confusing.

+I'm not sure what to get them as a wedding present. Probably something decorative from the local Waterford outlet store. What? Who returns anything by Waterford?

+I have to get back to work. Boo.

+It's not that bad. I just want to be doing something, anything, else right now. Sleep ranks up there. Also weeding the flower beds. And perhaps planting some pansy's for color. I could even be happier lounging on the new couch watching bad tv. Augh!

Running thoughts

I just deleted a craptastic post about my inability to listen to the little voice in my head when buying new bath towels at Tarjay, which has caused me to make 3 trips over the course of 5 days. I wonder if they are available on-line? Hmm.

We're in the middle of the two-week wait to find out if last weekends natural attempt was successful. Always a crap shoot with low morphology. Hell, it's a crap shoot even without any issues. If we were successful, it will make the annoyance of the 3x/day medication worth it. If not, gah. But at least I can stop for a couple weeks!

DH watched "We are Marshall" last night. I watched about 45 minutes and tears rolled down my face for a good portion of that time. I hate crying at movies. Life sucks enough without being tortured by fiction (even if it's based on a true story).

Up to Wintergreen tonight for the weekend. That means I can sleep in Saturday, no early rise for Pilates. Yay. Though, I seem to have a flexibility issue in my lower back. Without weight on my legs I can not sit up from a prone position (I get to my mid-back and then get stuck). And since it's one of the main moves in Pilates, I really need to be able to do it. Maybe yoga would help to loosen that area?

I wish we had plans to go somewhere warm this spring - for a week or two. The 4-day trip to Florida at the beginning of May just isn't exciting me. I need more motivation than uncomfortably snug pants to start using the elliptical machine again.

Why is it that I am more tired now after trying to get to bed before 11pm all this week than I was before I started getting more sleep? It's just not right!

I think I need a snow day. Even if it hasn't snowed. There's nothing like an unexpected day off to just make things seem better. DH asked if he could call in disgruntled this morning.

In which I prove I am old and crotchety...

I'll come out and admit it: I LOATHE American Idol.

I dislike the singing, the personalities, everything about it.

But what I hate most of all: that you can't avoid it because EVERY freaking news program from local to national feels the need to do a morning recap. I don't give a flying flatootie about the show, and I can still tell you what went on because of all the ambient coverage. Coverage that takes time away from real stories/weather/sports/traffic, stuff news shows should be covering.

It's almost enough to make me stop watching any network tv and just leave the channel on one of the movie channels.

Speaking of which...here's another thing that bugs me: we have digital cable. Have to to get the extended channel line up, and multiple HBO / Starz channel packages. The cable company recently "improved" their OnDemand menus (where you can select movies or tv programs to watch - it's like having your own private HBO channel so you could start/stop movies at any time). Except that "improved" isn't the word. Before the change, when you went to the menu channel, you would get a choice of options: OnDemand (pay), HBO, Starz, Cinemax, etc. and then could select which brand you wanted to look through; once you went through the one line-up you could switch back to the main menu and go to the next brand with only the push of a couple buttons on the remote. Now, you have to go to a separate menu channel for each brand. Sure it takes you directly to that menu, but you spend more time flipping from one channel to the other to look at all your options. Maybe this is petty, but I thought the system was pretty good before and didn't need fixing. Now it seems broken, like technology has gone backwards.

So that's it. Down withAmerican Idol and desk jockeys who make improvements to things that weren't broken.

********
So my hopes for this last round of Clomid were dashed this weekend. Today I start the next round. Maybe we'll get lucky before that doctor's appointment in May...stranger things have happened, right?

Changes...

Anything to get the post about my frustration with politics off the top of my blog.

DH and BIL are off picking up Chinese food for dinner. Friday for lunch I met a couple of DH's coworkers for Thai. That makes more Asian than I've had for months and months. Something to do with stomach(e! just for Lil' Frema) issues after the last time I picked up Chinese at one of the little take-out mostly places around here.

So if I cut off mid-sentence, they have returned from hunting and gathering.

It's just been a boring Saturday. I'm leading the discussion for book group on Monday and I'm really procrastinating reading the book. It's about Aaron Burr and his life. In addition to the facts about his life, there's a bunch of other stuff which is relevant, it's just tedious to get through. Reminds me of college, when you HAVE to read a book and understand it even when you don't care. IF I wasn't leading the discussion, it would be a much easier book to read because I could skim it more efficiently. I'm one of THOSE readers, who can usually read books really quickly. Example, I finished the latest Janet Evanovitch Stephanie Plum novel in 2 hours or so. But I'm much slower with textbooks and history books where there is so much information to digest.

In other news...

...an update on my ongoing fertility issues, so just stop reading if you're not interested...









I had what looked like a positive OPK Friday morning, so that, along with increased mucus earlier this week, and a slight increase in temp., lead to some planned relations. Fingers crossed, yes. Of course, I had called Weds./Thurs. to make an appointment with my OB/GYN's office because OPK and temp hadn't changed for a month or more. Doesn't it always happen like that?

I just flew in from VA and man are my arms tired!

Ok, So I haven't left yet. But. I'm in a funk and was trying to amuse myself.

Blame it on the constant news coverage of the California wildfires, or the rain and gloom (I love the rain, we need the rain, but it's bringing me down, man), or that we found out this week that DH's cousin's wife is 3 months pregnant with twins.

It sucks to be happy for someone, but still mad and sad and unhappy for yourself at the same time.

On a lighter note: DH was playing with my nose (pushing it from side to side, down, yes, we are three), and pushed it up from beneath. I said "Oink" which made him bust out into laughter. Apparently he was expecting me to fuss at him for playing with my nose. Yeah. So the word of the week in our household is now "Oink."

I really gotta pack now. K, bye, have a good weekend and I'll see you next week. Promise.

I'm an itcher, I'm a scratcher...

(Apologies to the Steve Miller Band for abusing "The Joker)

On Sunday I developed a spread out rash with little fluid filled bumps on my right wrist.

I think (from hard experience) that it is poison ivy. But I'm not sure how it got there. I pulled a couple weeds this weekend, but none that looked like poison ivy or that I thought were any where near the little patches of poison ivy on our property.

It is very strange. And itchy. And it's interfering with spending time on the computer because the worst part is exactly where I rest my arm when using the mouse. And a greasy cortisone smeared arm means that either have to use the mouse funny or have to clean the desk. (and apparently I like to start sentences with "and") Neither option really appeals to me.

At this time I'm blaming the dog for brushing up against poison ivy plants while she was out doing her thing and then transferring the oils to my skin. It's as good as explanation as any.


***My experiences with poison ivy include having at least two prescriptions of steroids (the fun kind where you take 10 teeny little pills one day, and then count down for the next ten days) to reduce the associated inflammation. It was all over where I grew up, and I spent most of my childhood summers in the woods. I always seemed to have one or more pink blotches of calamine lotion somewhere on my arms or legs. I really tried to avoid poison ivy then, and now, but the damn stuff still apparently finds me!

Ms. Cranky Pants

That's me.

I'm grumpy and cranky and want to bite everyone's head's off and growl at them to leave me alone, or snap at them just to make myself feel better if they insist on sticking around.

Could this be the start of PMS? Or am I just sleep deprived?

Because right now, it's all about me, me, me!

And honestly, I don't like feeling like a Vogon has taken up residence in my brain.

Any suggestions?

We're all fine here, really....

Well, you've all been there, 60 gazillion great post ideas when you're nowhere near the computer, nothing, nada, zip when you're sitting here.

So that's it for now. Maybe I'll actually manage to jot down one of my great ideas and post something witty, provocative and so stunning you'll want to come back for more.

Cross your fingers.

Anything you want to know about me? I'll answer any question within reason - and maybe make up some of my own, you know just for sh-ts and giggles.