Thursday, June 14, 2012

Flippity Floppity

I can't tell you how often I flip flop between saying one and done and wanting at least one more child to complete our family.  As LO gets older it becomes more and more clear to me that I am in no way shape or form suited to be a preschool/kindergarten teacher. 

But I really loved when she was so little and cuddly (well, you know, once she started sleeping through the majority of the night) and when she and I aren't colliding into each others wants like the mother/daughter that we are, I really enjoy being around her.

On the other hand, I find it hard enough to keep my shit together and things running smoothly with just her, trying to imagine how my days might go with two literally blows my mind.  At the moment she's vegging out to some DVR'ed Sid the Science Kid so Mama can have some alone time. 

(I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and I've been low-grade cranky all-day. If I could just be really nasty to someone I'm sure it would set me right but....I'm also not quite cranky enough to just let it loose.)

As it is, there are errands I've been putting off for at least a month because I don't want to deal with taking her along with me, and DH really isn't very good about making time for watching her on the weekends because there is stuff he needs to do around the house.  This is something I hope will change once we get into our next house - whenever the hell that may be, we haven't had a single showing, and had a scare the beginning of this week with an offer on the house we've been hoping will stay on the market long enough to get ours under contract - or she will be in preschool if I can get her into one in the new location once we know where we'll be. Augh! Stress. 

Every month I find myself hoping during the 2WW and then finding myself oddly relieved but still wanting to head back to the comfort of monitored cycles.  Is that strange that I find myself wishing my cycles were monitored so I could know what was going on, even though we don't want to go down that road again for both financial and mental health reasons? 

If you looked up contradictions in the dictionary, my face would be plastered right next to it because I am full of them.

Well, I guess I need to feed the little rug rat, so wish me luck with something changing (whether it's an showing & offer on our house, or a HPT test) because I sure don't know what the hell I want.


  1. I am in that boat. I want #2 so badly, but after the way my previous attempt(s) ended, I'm so scared. . . Too scared to really genuinely 100% want it.
    And I'm running out of time. I both hope for and equally dread seeing a positive HPT. . . And testing again is coming up relatively soon for me. I hate feeling so contradictory about the whole thing, you know?

    I'm with you. *HUGS*

  2. I love the honesty in this post, and think you actually make a lot of sense. Kids are SO MUCH WORK and I put off the baby #2 initiation process as long as I possibly could because OH MY GOSH. THE WORK.

    You'll know what to do, I think. Probably when your life is a little more settled. Selling a house has a way of multiplying your to do list, and there's nothing that says "No more babies please" like a whopping to do list!

  3. Stupid blogspot. Freezes me out every time!

    There are good reasons for which ever you chose. Better wait a bit more to have less work. Better do it sooner, to get over the hard part sooner. You know. The thing is, YOU are going to have to do that work, so you are the one who decides and chooses.

  4. You will choose what is best for you, even if you are not really sure at e moment. Life has a funny way of working out like this.
    Wishing you the best of luck anyway. :-)

    Me thinks a LO update is due, though... See to it, hun. :-)