Yeah. So here's the thing, a month ago one of my college roommates found out she's 7 months pregnant. Yesterday Frema announced that she's 5+ weeks pregnant. My body isn't doing anything. I can't even try to get pregnant because nothing is going on. While I am happy (ecstatically so) for them, I am sad for myself and jealous of the ease with which they have been able to procreate.
The urge is to turn against their happiness with a caustic comment about my own inabilities. But I refrain because it has no good purpose apart from turning the attention away from them to me.
In my vision for my life I was a mother by 28. That was two years ago. Never mind that my DH and I were in no way ready to take that step at that time, looking back with what I know now, it still feels like a lost opportunity. And now that my body is in stasis until I meet with my OB/GYN, it feels like a poor decision. That could have been two years of trying, planning, making the effort. Now I don't know what's ahead for us.
I'm afraid. Afraid that I'll not be able to have children of my own, of my husbands and my bodies. Afraid that if we do that I'll be a bad mother. Afraid of what lies ahead for us in making a dream reality.
This damn biological clock of mine, it is casting a shadow over my life.
4 days till we leave for what should have been a baby making frenzy.
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