My MIL has been dealing with the declining health of her mother since before Christmas (when she suffered a stroke). She (my MIL) is the only remaining child of DH's grandmother. Her brother, DH's uncle, was killed by a drunk driver years ago.
Today the movers are coming to clear out the apartment in the independent-living section of the retirement community to which my MIL moved her mother (it's one of the best in the state, not a sub-par nursing home) once she was unable to live completely on her own, and empty the truck into our basement.
As an only child, I see the struggles she is going through, by herself (with the support of her husband), and can't help but compare it to what my father and his brother went through with their mother's decline. And I can't help wonder how it would be different for her to have her brother involved in the process too. And ultimately, I look ahead and see what I'm going to have to deal with as my parents get older.
I've already asked them to start clearing out their basement. It's filled with stuff - 35 years of living in the same house, plus collections inherited from grandparents and other family really builds up! Some of it is valuable, very valuable; but in the end it's only stuff. And I'll have to deal with it if anything happens to them.
Perhaps this is a sign of maturity, that I am able to look forward and face my own parents mortality - even now I can see the changes in hair color, skin, physical strength. And still, the child in me wants to deny that anything will happen to them, deny that they are growing older, deny that one day I too will be forced to face the task of disposing of their items when they are no longer able to make those decisions for themselves.
But, in the end, the best I can hope for is that my parents clean out the basement and make the decision to move into a retirement community on their own before they have to; by which they will give me the enormous gifts of not having to force them to give up their independence and not having to go through ALL the stuff in the basement on my own.
Is anyone out there facing this reality also? How are you reacting? Do you have any suggestions?
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I am an only child too, and so was my dad, so I dread this. I have asked them to make funeral arrangements in advance (none of us live in my hometown, which isn't even in the same state from where my parents grew up, so I don't even know where they should be "laid to rest") because I just have no idea what to do in that department. Also, my dad is much older (16 years) than my mom so I anticipate going through it twice (although nothing is a guarantee)! And luckily my mom is a purger so they have downsized their stuff but I know there are things they are deliberately leaving for me because they can't agree on what to get rid of!! :o)
ReplyDeleteWe are going through this with my husband's parents. It is in the early, akward stages where they still feel independant and therefore are somewhat bucking help. I will admit it's weird with us helping them so much with things that are "intimate". I am now balancing their checkbook and helping to pay the bills. Seeing that checkbook for the first time was a real eye opener for us. Not because of the amount of money, but it was a real clue into how much my father-in-law's mind is declining. Sadly, I don't think this whole process of role reversal is going to go but so smoothly.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm partially still in denial. My dad will be 57 in February, and while that is still young, I can see that he is starting to age a little and it makes me sad to think about that stuff. I'll come to terms with it eventually.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just out of curiosity, what retirement community is she in?
You can only do the best that you can, and plan in whatever way you feel most comfortable. It's such a hard thing for anyone to deal with. My gram is 93, so I know my family thinks about these things a lot.
ReplyDeleteI'm an only child too, and I think I tend to live in a fantasy world that everyone ages gracefully. I've already lost one set of parents, so I try not to think about health issues with the ones I have now, or I will make myself crazy.